Log in or sign up


USER:
PASS:

BFOutlaws :: Forums :: Public section :: Humor
 
<< Previous thread | Next thread >>
Jokes
Go to page       >>  
Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
Author Post
Wombat
Thu Aug 30 2012, 08:02pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Subject: Blood Lines

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me..... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
Back to top
Yelahiah
Fri Aug 31 2012, 10:51am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2126
Back to top
Oh, No!
Sat Sep 01 2012, 12:37am
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Back to top
Wombat
Mon Sep 03 2012, 12:26pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Here are the top nine comments made during the Summer Olympics they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Back to top
Yelahiah
Tue Sep 04 2012, 11:54am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2126
lol
Back to top
Wombat
Thu Sep 06 2012, 05:46pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Top one liners from this years Edinburgh Festival

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Back to top
Wombat
Mon Sep 17 2012, 06:35pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."


The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."


So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."


The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

~~~~Don't mess with old people.~~~~
Back to top
Wombat
Mon Sep 17 2012, 06:37pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Advice for an old guy....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Back to top
Wombat
Mon Sep 17 2012, 06:39pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
I think we may have seen this before but I thought I would repeat it for the Scotttish Connection...

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"
Back to top
Oh, No!
Tue Sep 18 2012, 04:58pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Oh, geez that got me laughing.
Back to top
Wombat
Tue Sep 25 2012, 06:00pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business?
When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get you own back!!!


After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.


This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,


"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
Back to top
Oh, No!
Wed Sep 26 2012, 05:31pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Great, hate it when peeps are using phones in a restaurant, etc.
Back to top
freddy
Wed Sep 26 2012, 07:43pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
Back to top
Wombat
Wed Sep 26 2012, 11:08pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Does it work on wives?
Back to top
freddy
Thu Sep 27 2012, 11:38am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
YES! lol
Back to top
freddy
Thu Sep 27 2012, 11:41am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
theres an app for android if you feel like testing https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.nidrico.apps.idiotizerfree
Back to top
kumma
Thu Sep 27 2012, 02:50pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #120
Joined: Tue Jan 06 2009, 08:51pm
Posts: 162
I was ready to comment, but then decided not to so i didn't.
Back to top
Wombat
Thu Sep 27 2012, 05:05pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
LOL. Glad we have these mad Fins around!
Back to top
freddy
Thu Sep 27 2012, 09:20pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
kumma wrote ...

I was ready to comment, but then decided not to so i didn't.

its a beutiful day but i cant hear your thoughts. höhö..
Back to top
Wombat
Thu Oct 11 2012, 08:51am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
My mum is on holiday for 2 weeks so prolly won't be any new (or old) jokes for a while
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Nov 11 2012, 09:56pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Guinness or Carling?"

I said, "Well, there's a tap underneath, why don't you taste it?"

**************************

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***********************************
I went to the pub last night and saw a large woman dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********************************

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

**********************************

I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
Back to top
Wombat
Tue Nov 20 2012, 07:36pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
Back to top
Oh, No!
Wed Nov 21 2012, 04:26pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Wombie what a downer. Makes cry not laugh,
Back to top
Wombat
Thu Nov 22 2012, 05:32pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All through dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
Back to top
Wombat
Thu Nov 22 2012, 05:35pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Little Johnny

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

Teacher says"Jane, you go first"

Dough, D O U G H..

"Italians make pizza with dough.."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.


Dough, D O U G H.

"My brother makes things with play dough."

Very good, Mary...

Johnny then raises his hand.

Teacher says "Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
Back to top
Go to page       >>   

Jump:     Back to top

Syndicate this thread: rss 0.92 Syndicate this thread: rss 2.0 Syndicate this thread: RDF
Powered by e107 Forum System