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Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Wisdom The guys were all on a weekend cruise. No one wanted to sleep in a cabin with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, Man, what happened to you. He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, Man, what happened to you. You look awful. He said, Man, that Bob shakes the deck with his snoring. I watched him all night. The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older sailor, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Good morning he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, Man, what happened He said - Well we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into his bunk, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night. With age comes wisdom. | ||
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  Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | haha good one!  | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol  | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer? Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too." | ||
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!" | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Lol | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’ As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper. Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life. What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet? I.O.U. I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro. Same as the other Euro, but no Greece. Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back". Just like its cheques. My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him. | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? Why do you need a driving license to buy booze if you are young yet they tell you not to drink and drive? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? | ||
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | haha good ones, thanks womb | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | awesome bro | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Sex in the Shower In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm, people from Liverpool and Glasgow have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool 's and Glasgow 's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet. | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | THE CONFESSION Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. Im sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I cant live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I havent been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbour. THE SECOND MESSAGE: Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as Im sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed Wi-Fi To Wife. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol. technical brilliant | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Ahso!! British men between 60 and 70 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | I hope these translate.... • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last. | ||
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | yes it works thanks! only im not sure is : • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Ah, as almost any dinosaur has a name ending 'saurus' - like tyranosaurus - there are loads of jokes/puns that 'sound like'.. Another is "what do you call a blind dinosaur". "a Jathinkesaurus" - Ja Think 'e saurus.... | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | frogosaurus? | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?" | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | mmm bacon sandwich . . | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Last Wishes Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings. As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property………….. "Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The arsehole had a window cleaning round." | ||
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | BLONDE MORTICIAN A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, and points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' | ||
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | haha easy peasy | ||
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