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Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
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Wombat
Sat Nov 24 2012, 06:07pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Mark, where are you?'
Mark yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Mark!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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freddy
Sat Nov 24 2012, 07:36pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
lol wombat
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Wombat
Sat Nov 24 2012, 11:04pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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Oh, No!
Sun Nov 25 2012, 04:58pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Rofl
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Yelahiah
Sun Nov 25 2012, 07:34pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
good 1
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Wombat
Wed Nov 28 2012, 06:42pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The dwarf."
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Wombat
Mon Dec 03 2012, 07:11pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “just smile -
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? ”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH! ”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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Yelahiah
Tue Dec 04 2012, 01:20pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
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Oh, No!
Tue Dec 04 2012, 04:57pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Lol.
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Wombat
Wed Dec 05 2012, 03:47pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
some old, some new.....

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

A German dwarf comes to London and whilst there he visits a hooker. She thinks he'll never manage it - easy money. Just before he starts he puts a big spring on each elbow and knee then shags her senseless for 4 hours. She says breathlessly, "How did you manage that?" "Easy," he replies, "Foursprung Dwarftechnique."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!"

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes....

I think they were Hovis Witnesses!
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Wombat
Fri Dec 07 2012, 10:01am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells he aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself rom the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way ut of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.


here, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……

F**k off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.’
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Yelahiah
Fri Dec 07 2012, 12:42pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
good1
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Oh, No!
Fri Dec 07 2012, 05:32pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Oh, jeez Wombie
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Wombat
Fri Dec 07 2012, 07:02pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Ah yes I remember them well.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
Every time the lamb jumped out
Her little dog would put it back in again.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you Prat
********************


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..
********************


Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.........
She got anything she wanted.
******************************************************

You have to be old enough to appreciate these.
If you don't understand them, it is because you are too young.
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Wombat
Wed Dec 12 2012, 04:58pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
How to DIE at Xmas:

I know I'm quite emotional anyway, even so this story especially touched me......



A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"
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Yelahiah
Thu Dec 13 2012, 02:45am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Wombat wrote ...

How to DIE at Xmas:

I know I'm quite emotional anyway, even so this story especially touched me......



A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

Frank. The dwarf


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Wombat
Thu Dec 13 2012, 01:57pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
You like Frank the dwarf! Does that translate well into Polish then?
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Yelahiah
Fri Dec 14 2012, 12:45pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Franek Karzeł

BW: always have smile, when i remain your joke

[ Edited Fri Dec 14 2012, 12:46pm ]
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Wombat
Sat Dec 15 2012, 08:36am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
You mean remember the joke? I wouldn't make fun of you Yel!
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Wombat
Sat Dec 15 2012, 04:15pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
I was in the 'Six Item Express' lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So - which six items would you like to buy?"


------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Yelahiah
Sun Dec 16 2012, 12:15am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Wombat wrote ...

You mean remember the joke? I wouldn't make fun of you Yel!

Sure ... Wullie does it quite often
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Wombat
Sun Dec 16 2012, 04:42pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Thats Wullie. Its because he is Scotttish. I am English.

English = Nice!!!
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Wombat
Mon Dec 17 2012, 06:41pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Jewish Cab Driver... and fare

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her...
"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,
'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
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Yelahiah
Tue Dec 18 2012, 01:27am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
hehehe Yeah!
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Oh, No!
Tue Dec 18 2012, 03:48pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

I can take a guess where she keeps the money.
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