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Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
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Wombat
Sat Dec 19 2015, 03:58pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches.
When you are over sixty. who gives a damn.
***********
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's pretty good looking
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over sixty, who gives a damn!
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freddy
Sat Dec 19 2015, 08:52pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
lol! thanks womble

[ Edited Sat Dec 19 2015, 08:52pm ]
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Yelahiah
Sun Dec 20 2015, 12:41am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
hahaha real funny series
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Wombat
Tue Dec 22 2015, 01:11pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Gotta try the boogie one. Gotta be worth getting thumped!
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freddy
Fri Jan 29 2016, 11:39pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
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Wombat
Sun Jan 31 2016, 12:17pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Lol
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Wombat
Sat Oct 01 2016, 03:59pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I !!!!!!!
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freddy
Sat Oct 01 2016, 06:05pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
haha not bad
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Yelahiah
Sun Oct 02 2016, 12:37am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
agree good1
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Wombat
Mon Dec 05 2016, 04:37pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A shop that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward..

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Wombat
Mon Dec 05 2016, 04:39pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.”
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Yelahiah
Tue Dec 06 2016, 09:43pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
hohoho
.
..
...
Why did the blonde working on the computer often doing splits?
.
..
...
She responds to the command "click the mouse"
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freddy
Wed Dec 07 2016, 04:11am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
haha!
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Wombat
Mon Jan 23 2017, 06:53pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Dear Abby’ is an advice columnist in an American woman’s magazine.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his
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freddy
Sat Jan 28 2017, 10:34pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
Im glad i never had any of those problems
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Wombat
Mon Aug 07 2017, 03:34pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A few oldies...
________________________________________

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but When they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove Seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual Experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've Been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
Escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
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freddy
Tue Aug 08 2017, 11:37pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
Nice ones
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Yelahiah
Wed Aug 23 2017, 09:53pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Womb yr the man
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Wombat
Thu Aug 24 2017, 12:31pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Retirement

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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Yelahiah
Sun Aug 27 2017, 12:09am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
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Wombat
Sat Sep 02 2017, 12:52pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and can see that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in the jar. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"Ah, you gotta pay first," says the bartender,"those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over for a while the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the Jar..
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: Firstly - You have to drink a whole quart of Tequila in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face or grimace whilst doing it. Secondly - there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. And thirdly - there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem, She needs satisfying, know what I mean?"

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn Tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down his cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face, not even a wrinkle -- and drinks it all down in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out of the back door where he finds the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
Then drunkenly he asks, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Yelahiah
Sun Sep 10 2017, 11:22pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
awesome
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freddy
Mon Sep 11 2017, 03:45pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
hehe
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Yelahiah
Thu Sep 21 2017, 09:06pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
is my "flag joke" now
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freddy
Fri Sep 22 2017, 01:07pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her
boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my
boyfriend is buying me flowers agains.... for no reason."
The blonds looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big
deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "Oh sure...
but he always has expectations after giving me flowers,
and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonds says "Don't you have a vase"?
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