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Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
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Wombat
Tue Sep 26 2017, 08:42pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Lol
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freddy
Thu Sep 28 2017, 03:01am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.....

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Wombat
Fri Sep 29 2017, 07:19pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Great!

I went to the Dr and said to the receptionist “I have a sore dick”.she said that that is discusting and that i should be more polite. I was taken aback so went for a walk. I was in pain so I went back and said “I’ve got a terrible pain in my ear”. She said what did I think was wrong so I said “I can’t piss out of it,”
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freddy
Sat Sep 30 2017, 01:10am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
hahaha! luv it!

EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Yelahiah
Sun Oct 01 2017, 01:43am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2126
another good series, ty guys
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Wombat
Sun Oct 08 2017, 08:20pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Trump Team Intelligence Test…

Donald Trump met the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well", replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, will you?"
Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good", said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran into Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then, went back to Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
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Dude
Tue Oct 10 2017, 06:27am
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1200
Brilliant
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freddy
Sat Oct 21 2017, 10:01am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
Two Irishmen are working in the park:

The first guy in front digs a hole in the ground, while the guy behind comes in 2 minutes later and fills the holes back in.

A woman who has noticed the peculiar behaviour of the two gents, can"t resist and walks over to ask them just what they are up to. The woman walks up and says to the first man, "excuse me, but why are you digging holes and the other guy comes along and fills them in?"

The second guy interrupts and says "I think I can answer that..."

"The guy who plants the trees has called in sick today..."
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Wombat
Thu Oct 26 2017, 05:02pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that
is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly been good in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be
right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
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freddy
Sat Oct 28 2017, 12:58pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3034
hehe..

I was lying in bed with my wife last night.

She looked at me seductively and said, "I'm wide awake, babe."

I said, "You're wide when you're asleep too."
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Wombat
Mon Oct 30 2017, 06:47pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy..............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;

Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what
day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?
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Yelahiah
Wed Nov 01 2017, 01:14am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2126
always good humor after reading hehe
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Dude
Sat Nov 04 2017, 09:30am
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1200
Great stuff,I wish I could remember some of these but they go in and leave twice as quick......Taken me three weeks just to remember six sentences of a Dylan Thomas poem but I will get there, I will not Rage Rage against remembering the complete poem
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Wombat
Sun Nov 26 2017, 08:38pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
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Wombat
Sun Nov 26 2017, 08:41pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
RIP Hugh Hefner. Would love to say he's gone to a better place but that seems unlikely...
------------------

Remember playing knock down ginger? .....it's now called Parcelforce.
-----------------

After waiting ages for a reply . I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start last Monday.
-----------------

My dad had narcolepsy but fortunately it skips a genera
------------------

I entered a spelling contest, but I lossed.
------------------

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."
The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door...
----------------

Finally - and this is A BIT RUDE so do not read it if you are easily offended.

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Darn thing must be an hour fast
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Wombat
Sun Nov 26 2017, 08:43pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
Smile

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4.. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You are never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Wombat
Sat Feb 03 2018, 09:58am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
On his first day at the Nudist Colony dear old Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
Sid replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within seconds, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says Sid
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Sid yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $400 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Sid replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!'
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Wombat
Sat Feb 03 2018, 09:59am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:

"My wife is from Sicily."
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Wombat
Sun Feb 18 2018, 07:07pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
A few Irish ones for ya...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father...'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees..'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen..

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Wombat
Sat Mar 10 2018, 10:42am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
What a morning!
8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didnt make a snow woman.

8:15 I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: When it's this cold, stay inside.
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Wombat
Sat Apr 21 2018, 05:18pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the driveway, he pauses, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.

'Yes they are,' replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true-blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit.'
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Wombat
Wed Dec 26 2018, 10:50am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
A lady failed the written driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt,
she was determined to pass.

But the test had the same question,
"You are driving at 100 kmh.
On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.
On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit?

The woman walked up to the examiner and said,
"I've answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man and young man,
yet I failed all four times. How is this possible.
What am I supposed to hit???"

The examiner replied, "The brakes!!!"

Men are not supposed to laugh!!!!
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Wombat
Wed Dec 26 2018, 10:51am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver slowly answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?
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Dude
Fri Dec 28 2018, 03:34pm
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1200
Brilliant

Lets hope 2019 will be kind to us all.

And that we all are kind to our home planet Earth.

Fellow BFO`s,good luck and best wishes for 2019.....thread hijack initiated ....lol



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Wombat
Sun Mar 31 2019, 10:45am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1953
This bloke went into a bar and asked why the 'exit sign' was flickering on & off. They said it's on the way out.

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a bread roll.

The wife asked for something silky for her birthday. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong flaming colour.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with answering questions on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' I said 'Is that your final answer?'
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