Log in or sign up


USER:
PASS:

BFOutlaws :: Forums :: Public section :: Humor
 
<< Previous thread | Next thread >>
Jokes
Go to page   <<        >>  
Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
Author Post
freddy
Tue Apr 02 2019, 04:16am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
Lol thanks wombat, needed a laugh
Back to top
Wombat
Sat Apr 13 2019, 05:25pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:
“ You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

“In fact, I do.” said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?’

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. “That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.”
Back to top
Wombat
Sat Apr 13 2019, 05:27pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Woman, cranky because her husband was late in coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, -
"I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me." and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone -

"She's finally gone ... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shit, I love you".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5 minutes.”
Back to top
freddy
Sun Apr 21 2019, 10:37pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
I have a meeting at the bank today that could end all our troubles, and we've put a lot of time, energy, and planning into it, so I'm feel pretty hopeful.

In fact, I'm so excited my hands are trembling and I can hardly get my ski mask on.
Back to top
Wombat
Mon Apr 22 2019, 08:56am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Lol
Back to top
Wombat
Sat May 25 2019, 10:27am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Heartfelt Attorney Story


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
...
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, feeling completely beaten up, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you? '
Back to top
Dude
Tue Jun 04 2019, 03:37pm
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1217
As you know I have got my health problems:

Last month I had a Endoscopy .....= All OK

Next the Brain scan = Mixed feelings

Consultant said if we ever have the capabilities to do a brain transplant your brain would be perfect to use.

I said why is it because of my supreme knowledge and brain power ?

He said it looks perfect for the procedure because it appears not to have been used very much
Back to top
freddy
Wed Jun 26 2019, 11:09am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
What a day! First i were walking down the street and I found a hat full of money.

That was cool, but shortly after that, some crazy man with a guitar chased me for six blocks.
Back to top
Wombat
Wed Sep 25 2019, 09:56pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
The doctor said I should do between 10 and 12,000 steps a day with my fitbit. 10 a day is quite easy.

I used to run a chiropody business but it failed. I had very few customers. They voted with their feet.

Don’t forget it’s the Weak Bladder Association AGM tonight. If you can’t make it, just give us a tinkle...AND It was a disappointing night at the Constipation Society AGM. Not a single motion was passed.

I covered my car in chocolate to make it more aero dynamic.

I took my goldfish to the vet as it was suffering from epilepsy. He looked at it swimming around and said that it looked fine to him. “Wait”, I said, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Last weekend I had a go at blindfolded archery. You should try it , you don't know what you're missing.

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely of rubber. If it crashes from the sky, it'll bounce back into the air. I've called it the Boing 747.
Back to top
Dude
Sat Sep 28 2019, 06:44am
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1217
LOL
Back to top
freddy
Sat Sep 28 2019, 11:02pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
hehe..
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Oct 27 2019, 05:39pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
My wife thinks I'm very unromantic. She said I bet you don't even know what my favourite flower is. I said is it self-raising.

Man in the pub said he is first man to be given a pigs heart in a transplant
I asked have you had any side effects
He said no nothing yet
I said how long since you had it done
He said about six weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks.

At 2am this morning I heard loud banging on my front door. It was my neighbours. At 2am in the morning? Luckily I was still up, playing my drums.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting..."13...13...13" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting…"14...14...14"

AND FINALLY

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a film on TV and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her gym before meeting a friend for a drink in the pub.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
Back to top
Yelahiah
Wed Nov 06 2019, 10:27pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
lool Womb
as usual , great jokes

well i hope u'll like it

A white child is born in a Negro village.
Movement, consternation, and parents go to the shaman.
- Shaman, we are both black and the child was born white, how can it be?
- Did you do it in Negron style?
- Yes, yes, in Negro, absolutely!
- Negro style "from behind"?
- From behind in Negro style!
- Did you put your finger in the ass?
- No I didn't.
- Then the light got in here!
Back to top
Wombat
Sat Dec 14 2019, 08:01pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Low Battery: A married man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

~~~~~

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.

We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

~~~~~

Happy Anniversary: Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though....................she's lousy at snooker!

~~~~~

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

~~~~~

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift his beer belly.

~~~~

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woollies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

~~~~~

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians..........................It's called Trycoxagain.
Back to top
Dude
Tue Dec 17 2019, 06:19pm
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1217
Duchess of Cambridge, said to the queen, when I suck off prince William I get a awful stomach ache !

The queen replied, have you tried Andews
Back to top
freddy
Fri Dec 20 2019, 02:29am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
lols
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:00pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mother and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mother said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:03pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
My neighbour has just wished me a Happy Christmas. He's obviously suffering with premature congratulations.

I was at a job interview today and the guy said... It says on your CV you can't read?
I said thanks.. What else does it say?

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Typical! No one turned up at Camouflage Club. Again!

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Grannies' myths?

Bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall. I said "Who are you?" he said "I'm the meter man"

A chap came up to me today and said, "What do you do for a living?"
I said, "I'm a spy"
He said, "Then why are you dressed like a shepherd?"
I said, "I'm a shepherd spy".....

AND FINALLY

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:07pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
It was recently revealed in a Government survey that the Prime Minister is doing the work o two men - Laurel and Hardy.


There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue offices in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.


A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:08pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
A man is marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wetsuit. "When did you last have a smoke?" she asks. "Five years ago," he replies. So she pulls out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wetsuit a bit and says, ""When did you last have a drink?" He says, "Five years ago." So she pulls out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wetsuit a bit more and says, "And when was the last time you played around?" He looks at her in amazement: "You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?"
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:08pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"

Biker : "No......"
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough......"
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Dec 22 2019, 05:09pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
Report from the U.S,. - a supermarket manager complained bitterly accusing a customer of wasting the time of a girl working a till. The customer had bought two chicken legs and asked the girl whether she knew if they were the front or back legs of the chicken. She said, "Good point. I'll check with the manager." And she left the till to find out.......
Back to top
freddy
Wed Dec 25 2019, 01:39pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3074
Wombat´s on fire! lol
Back to top
Yelahiah
Wed Jan 01 2020, 09:00pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
Great as always Womb
Back to top
Wombat
Sun Feb 02 2020, 10:48am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1986
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
------------------------------------------------------------

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------------------------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?
------------------------------------------------------------
Father O’Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O"Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise that you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Humor
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiry date."
------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"
Back to top
Go to page   <<        >>   

Jump:     Back to top

Syndicate this thread: rss 0.92 Syndicate this thread: rss 2.0 Syndicate this thread: RDF
Powered by e107 Forum System