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Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
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Wombat
Tue Dec 18 2012, 03:56pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Yes, in a roll behind her ear. You lot are useless!
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Yelahiah
Wed Dec 19 2012, 12:00am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Waiting for her big pimp with money, and the proposal for a taxi driver job
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Wombat
Thu Dec 20 2012, 07:02pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Heard a version of thsi before....

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said, "That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
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Oh, No!
Fri Dec 21 2012, 04:48pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Rofl!
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Wombat
Sat Dec 29 2012, 04:53pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Wombat
Thu Jan 03 2013, 06:25pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven............

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof * she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof * she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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Yelahiah
Thu Jan 03 2013, 11:35pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
I do not get it !slobber
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Wombat
Fri Jan 04 2013, 01:26pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
The Nuns speaka da Italiana.

They get to go back to earth and be someone who has a lot of sex.

The last one things that 'Sahara Pipeline' (wich actually carries oil/gas across a dessert) would be good as it was 'laid' by 1400 men.

Better now?
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freddy
Fri Jan 04 2013, 02:31pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
what was her name then?
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Wombat
Fri Jan 04 2013, 03:30pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Sigh, you lot are taking the piss now!

You are lucky I don't get upset easily! Boo hoo boo hoo...
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Yelahiah
Fri Jan 04 2013, 05:12pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
Does she want to refuel ? on desert ... with 1400 man ??? sorry, but where is a gas station with 1400 employees ? .... something is wrong with that joke
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Wombat
Sat Jan 12 2013, 02:06pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black"
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Wombat
Mon Jan 14 2013, 08:12pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
You might have to be British to get these...

A Look Back at 2012......

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roché.........


Just a Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon


"IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
& with tears streaming down his face he swore he'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!


2 Indian junkies’ accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...
One's in a korma………… the other's got a dodgy tikka!


The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.


Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver & Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
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Wombat
Mon Jan 14 2013, 08:14pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Mexican Wedding...
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees..

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said,

'Oh Pedro, what is that?'

Pedro being very quick thinking said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.' And, then, he proceeded to
show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.'

Thinking fast, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.'

Marie, being very stupid, accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?'

'Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!'
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freddy
Mon Jan 14 2013, 09:27pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
haha! good one!
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Wombat
Thu Jan 17 2013, 06:29pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner. She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred pounds. He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?
"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy pounds?"

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Yelahiah
Fri Jan 18 2013, 02:00am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
lol
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Wombat
Mon Jan 21 2013, 06:20pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
All a little un-PC but meant as JOKES!

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!


Man walks into a bookshop and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient"..
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Wombat
Wed Jan 23 2013, 08:00pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk, Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, So, they brought the cow over from Scotland, it was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away,

No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to seek advice from the Vet.

Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side.
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering for a while, he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that they had brought the cow from Scotland.

"You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye,

"My wife's from Scotland".
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Yelahiah
Thu Jan 24 2013, 01:16am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
hehehe good !!!
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Wombat
Sat Jan 26 2013, 01:55pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And...that's the last thing I remember....
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Wombat
Sat Jan 26 2013, 02:03pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Some old but some new ones……

Let's Offend Everyone!

I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time.
She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually'.


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong?
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair?
The answer I should have given was Fiji ...


Pat failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Bloody great big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Wombat
Wed Feb 06 2013, 08:36pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Some more offensive ones....

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…
*******************************************************************************************

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says;
“If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out
“And take this deaf bastard with you.”
*******************************************************************************************

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this,
when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said
“I don’t find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
*******************************************************************************************

The wife said to me last night
“If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….
*******************************************************************************************

My mate reckons he always cries after sex.
Mind you....he is in Prison.
*******************************************************************************************

The wife came out of the bathroom and said
“I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
*******************************************************************************************

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment,
he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!
That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”
*******************************************************************************************

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said.
“I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
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Wombat
Wed Feb 06 2013, 08:37pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
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Yelahiah
Fri Feb 08 2013, 12:45am
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
lol - PUNK NOT DEED!
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