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Wombat
Mon Feb 11 2013, 07:56pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'
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Yelahiah
Tue Feb 12 2013, 08:58pm
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
lol,
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Wombat
Thu Feb 14 2013, 06:56pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
An Almost Affair

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that off of your face.'


Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'


Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little ba****ds!'..
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Wombat
Thu Feb 14 2013, 07:04pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Rugged Outdoorsman

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon".

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer."
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Wombat
Tue Feb 19 2013, 12:42pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

(I expect you are doing the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'


'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse, you're now singing it to yourself ...
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Wombat
Wed Feb 27 2013, 07:09pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him..

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Yelahiah
Wed Feb 27 2013, 11:47pm
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
hahaha lol
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Yelahiah
Wed Feb 27 2013, 11:55pm
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
The police came to the home loud parties..knocking on the door..
- Who's there?
- Police !
- We don't have called the police, only three good whores - voice said behind the door.
- You haven't, but your neighbours did!
- So... go fuck with the neighbours than! - party man said.
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Wombat
Thu Feb 28 2013, 06:22pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering , then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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Wombat
Thu Feb 28 2013, 06:23pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Wombat
Thu Feb 28 2013, 07:34pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
The Night Nurse
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen!'
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Yelahiah
Fri Mar 01 2013, 01:57am
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
hehe good ones

I have to go to the Mystic woman - i have plan for my General manager (dumb ass and idiot) !

ty Womb
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Wombat
Thu Mar 07 2013, 05:36pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Ted's Scrotum

Give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Sally Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible Motorcycle accident, his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.

"Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.

Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation held its breath”.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum”
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Wombat
Sat Mar 09 2013, 12:22pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Up in Yorkshire

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,



'Had him circumcised...'
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Wombat
Sat Mar 09 2013, 12:26pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day. We arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
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Yelahiah
Sat Mar 09 2013, 03:05pm
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
omg - lol
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Wombat
Mon Mar 18 2013, 05:40pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
It all began with an iPhone...
On June 17th, our son celebrated his 36th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in September, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

The youngest daughter's birthday was in April so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrates her birthday this month so I got her an iRon.

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

I should be out of the hospital next month!!
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Yelahiah
Mon Mar 18 2013, 08:57pm
Pig Rider
Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2130
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Wombat
Sat Mar 23 2013, 06:28pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A man walks into a crowded local barin Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,
" Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife ? "
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
" You don't have enough ammo mate !! "
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Wombat
Sat Mar 23 2013, 06:30pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" Carol asked me.
"Not really," I said.
She gave me a sexy little , slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Not really," I said.
She gave me another sexy little , seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
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Wombat
Fri Mar 29 2013, 12:57pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Not sure if this translates very well......

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,



"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
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Wombat
Fri Mar 29 2013, 12:59pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Explains a lot....

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.


He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... Is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"


"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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Oh, No!
Fri Mar 29 2013, 03:35pm
BFO Member
Registered Member #26
Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25am
Posts: 844

Good one Wombie.
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Wombat
Mon Apr 08 2013, 01:41pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a . "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
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Wombat
Thu Apr 18 2013, 05:25pm
Furry One
Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1990
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
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