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Jokes
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Moderators: Wombat, Dude, Yelahiah, freddy
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freddy
Tue Apr 02 2019, 04:16am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
Lol thanks wombat, needed a laugh
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Wombat
Sat Apr 13 2019, 05:25pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:
“ You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

“In fact, I do.” said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?’

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. “That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.”
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Wombat
Sat Apr 13 2019, 05:27pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Woman, cranky because her husband was late in coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, -
"I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me." and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone -

"She's finally gone ... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shit, I love you".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5 minutes.”
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freddy
Sun Apr 21 2019, 10:37pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
I have a meeting at the bank today that could end all our troubles, and we've put a lot of time, energy, and planning into it, so I'm feel pretty hopeful.

In fact, I'm so excited my hands are trembling and I can hardly get my ski mask on.
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Wombat
Mon Apr 22 2019, 08:56am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Lol
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Wombat
Sat May 25 2019, 10:27am
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
Heartfelt Attorney Story


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
...
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, feeling completely beaten up, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you? '
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Dude
Tue Jun 04 2019, 03:37pm
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1209
As you know I have got my health problems:

Last month I had a Endoscopy .....= All OK

Next the Brain scan = Mixed feelings

Consultant said if we ever have the capabilities to do a brain transplant your brain would be perfect to use.

I said why is it because of my supreme knowledge and brain power ?

He said it looks perfect for the procedure because it appears not to have been used very much
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freddy
Wed Jun 26 2019, 11:09am

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
What a day! First i were walking down the street and I found a hat full of money.

That was cool, but shortly after that, some crazy man with a guitar chased me for six blocks.
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Wombat
Wed Sep 25 2019, 09:56pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
The doctor said I should do between 10 and 12,000 steps a day with my fitbit. 10 a day is quite easy.

I used to run a chiropody business but it failed. I had very few customers. They voted with their feet.

Don’t forget it’s the Weak Bladder Association AGM tonight. If you can’t make it, just give us a tinkle...AND It was a disappointing night at the Constipation Society AGM. Not a single motion was passed.

I covered my car in chocolate to make it more aero dynamic.

I took my goldfish to the vet as it was suffering from epilepsy. He looked at it swimming around and said that it looked fine to him. “Wait”, I said, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Last weekend I had a go at blindfolded archery. You should try it , you don't know what you're missing.

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely of rubber. If it crashes from the sky, it'll bounce back into the air. I've called it the Boing 747.
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Dude
Sat Sep 28 2019, 06:44am
dude

Registered Member #25
Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pm
Location: UpmaOwnAsshire
Posts: 1209
LOL
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freddy
Sat Sep 28 2019, 11:02pm

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pm
Posts: 3049
hehe..
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Wombat
Sun Oct 27 2019, 05:39pm
Furry One

Registered Member #12
Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pm
Posts: 1961
My wife thinks I'm very unromantic. She said I bet you don't even know what my favourite flower is. I said is it self-raising.

Man in the pub said he is first man to be given a pigs heart in a transplant
I asked have you had any side effects
He said no nothing yet
I said how long since you had it done
He said about six weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks.

At 2am this morning I heard loud banging on my front door. It was my neighbours. At 2am in the morning? Luckily I was still up, playing my drums.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting..."13...13...13" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting…"14...14...14"

AND FINALLY

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a film on TV and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her gym before meeting a friend for a drink in the pub.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
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Yelahiah
Wed Nov 06 2019, 10:27pm
Pig Rider

Registered Member #133
Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47am
Posts: 2129
lool Womb
as usual , great jokes

well i hope u'll like it

A white child is born in a Negro village.
Movement, consternation, and parents go to the shaman.
- Shaman, we are both black and the child was born white, how can it be?
- Did you do it in Negron style?
- Yes, yes, in Negro, absolutely!
- Negro style "from behind"?
- From behind in Negro style!
- Did you put your finger in the ass?
- No I didn't.
- Then the light got in here!
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