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| Yelahiah |
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Pig Rider  Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 |  | ||
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| Dude |
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| dude Registered Member #25 Joined: Wed Feb 27 2008, 06:55pmLocation: UpmaOwnAsshire Posts: 1219 | Great jokes Wombs ......N1 | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Some old and some new. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth . An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them. ———————————————————————————— I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex… ———————————————————————————— My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock. ———————————————————————————— I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus” ———————————————————————————— I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…… ———————————————————————————— A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video” ———————————————————————————— Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard ———————————————————————————— I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what fucking hit it. ———————————————————————– I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her arse sore. | ||
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| Cherusker |
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| Registered Member #4 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:12amPosts: 1407 | asparagus or what | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol, great compilation - best is with video and asparagus. ...and exaggerates man !clap | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Yes, I tripped overt cock laughing at that one!! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!' | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol, love it  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your boobs." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........." | ||
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| Oh, No! |
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BFO Member Registered Member #26 Joined: Thu Feb 28 2008, 04:25amPosts: 844 | Oh, geez that is a good one Wombie | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | good1 Bro  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | "I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey. "That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked. "Not on eBay it isn't!" I said. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The rich blonde,Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day,but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for aweek (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out atechnician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies:"You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection. "No way! No needles, I hate needles!" the guy said.So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. "I can't do the gas thing either.The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!"She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill."No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." When she returns she says, "Here's a Viagra and a glass of water."The guy says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!""It doesn't" she said, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | Great But I think you was wrote it before  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Prolly! Soo many I can't remember which I've seen! Funny though!! | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | yes is very good one | ||
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| freddy |
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  Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | Wombat wrote ... "I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey. "That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked. "Not on eBay it isn't!" I said. now i got it! lol | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Lol. Slow Froggy!! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For goodness sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!" | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Subject: Fw: Nurses aren't supposed to laugh... "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient... " "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | You might need to be English to understand this one..... An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??" Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Englishman: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ." After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our Fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!" | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol - good 1 | ||
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