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| Wombat |
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Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A medium sized toy company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and the new CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal . Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy . Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent . Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says.... "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | hehe! great one bro  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later Again Judy remarried, and this time She & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." "OK, then, I want to die after the government balances the budget and eliminates the debt." "You crafty little bastard," said the genie.. | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | nice - both | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Nicked this from someone else, made me  ! Undeniable Adult Truths 1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning joined up writing really necessary? 7. Google maps really needs to start their directions on number 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my street. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.. 16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 20. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their mobile phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh". No, I won't". "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax". With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you. | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 |  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Golf on Christmas Day ??? Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.” | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The Jewish Elbow… A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" _______________________________________________ Wise Italian Grandfather An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "? ____________________________________________________ Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror. After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue" Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough ?" Driver replies "No you thick sod, where do you want to go | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of €10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing €10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for  s, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Might look to booking into this... Topic 2 looks facinating! Men's Classes CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - SIGN-UP BY November 25TH NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation. TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion. TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice. TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics. TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video. TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line support and support groups. TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum. TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape. TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials. TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. Driving simulation. TOPIC 11 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. TOPIC 12 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Scottish pub quiz.... "And the final question to win the £100 is:- "The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That", what other two words complete the title? There was a long pause then…. . . . ........ . . . A wee Glasgow man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya Bastard"...? | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied “I was hungry, and my husband won’t give me extra money.” The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a packet of hundreds and thousands" | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Butt Measurements A man and his wife were working in their garden - the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.' With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then measured his wife's bottom. 'Yep, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!' The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage!! | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol Womb, nice stuff as always ty  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ..... and then I saw her face. I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary........ My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the dog!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Bradford. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! Stupid thing! We need the flipping height and she gives us the length!!! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!" -----------oOo---------- Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!" -----------oOo---------- Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy. --------oOo---------- Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on". --------oOo---------- Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!" --------oOo--------- Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! -------- oOo --------- Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" --------oOo---------- Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!" -----------oOo---------- Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" -----------oOo---------- Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles, from London !" -----------oOo---------- An Irish Family Tradition Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit. | ||
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