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Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well, he's certainly not my husband." As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, "He''s not my husband either." He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," Audrey says. "He''s not even a member of this golf club." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | hehe  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A recent article in the Wellington, New Zealand newspaper The Dominion Post, reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight”. | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lool, I got one Pole, a Scotsman and an Englishman found a pot of genie. He allowed them only one wish. Pole asked for a new apartment and Bentley in England, and a million pounds. Englishman with a great and tight wall at around England, so that no immigrant did not get to his beloved country. Genie and he agreed to this request. The Scot said: - genie what this wall is tall and sturdy? - 20 meters high, 3 meters wide - so tight that the mouse does not squeeze - said the genie - So fill the inside with water then | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | LOL | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | TAX AUDIT A hospital was being audited by an agent from HM Revenue and Customs. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A LOVE STORY A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason." Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," says Chuck.. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "All right," Beth said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?" | ||
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| freddy |
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  Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | lol wombat! shes been a busy girl | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Aye. Must be Scotttish... | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | Beth made "par"  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?” “Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” “You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.” “Good, then you fire her !!!” | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Elderly sending Sweet Texts to each other An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your  . If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your ...tears. I love you."The husband texted back to her: "I'm taking a dump. Please advise." | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Very good! I wish I had a vagina!! | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | hahaha! good 1 | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" ë°¢h, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!" | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?” "Yes?” "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.” "Have you arrested the woman?” "No sir. The floor is still wet." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Female Medical Examination During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!" | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up & stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her & stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her & then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma & said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad & slowly wrote a note to the nephew: 'The buggers won't let me fart!' | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | SCOTCH? On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The greengrocer’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The  shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of chocolates. Then the off-licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?" "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!" | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | niece series Womb | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A woman and her husband interrupted their holiday to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want an injection because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." ------------------------------------------------- I was stopped by a policeman the other day for speeding. He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied He said, "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." --------------------------------------------------------- | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!" Murphy says to the guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says.... "Now... look in the guy's pocket!" | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | haha! | ||
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