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| Yelahiah |
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Pig Rider  Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | awesome  | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED... A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do; it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------ A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." ------------------------------------ A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------------ A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------------ A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!" ------------------------------------ A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies. ------------------------------------ A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------------ An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." -------------------------------------- A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------------ Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------------ A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday. | ||
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| freddy |
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  Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | haha thankls wombat  | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | *thanks even | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | see this is how it goes when one is to quick to post things and forget to check ones spelling | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol Wife to her husband: Everything you associate with sex... Definitely not you !... my darling - man said | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Lol | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Grins and Snickers I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked  ly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------------------------------------------------------ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ------------------------------------------------------ The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed. ------------------------------------------------------ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest  d broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ------------------------------------------------------ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ------------------------------------------------------ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" ------------------------------------------------------------ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." ------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" ------------------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. ' "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | nice set | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | I like the rabbi one! I think he knows my wife! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh,no!" she suddenly exclaimed."Look at the time!I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf,an egg,and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass." | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | OMG ! awesome | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Lol | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol, here we have such old joke (from communism times - like 70' - 80') about those Poles.. "well" English speakers. They just have to put 3 candy's in month, and continue to speak Polish... rest of idiots will be impressed by the excellent knowledge of English with flawless accent | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME At the England training ground Wayne Rooney noticed that Andy Carroll, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Andy, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Andy replies, "Well, Wayne , whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em for hours!" Rooney went home early the next day. He entered the bedroom and heard his wife Colleen in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and began to bang his erect member on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and yelled, "That you Andy?" | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | hehe | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | i tried it at home! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Did it work? Did you get to shag Rooney's wife? | ||
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| freddy |
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| Registered Member #15 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 08:02pmPosts: 3084 | nah just got dizzy and fell down | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | lol | ||
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| Yelahiah |
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| Pig Rider Registered Member #133 Joined: Fri Jan 30 2009, 10:47amPosts: 2130 | Wife to her husband - Yesterday came drunk as a pig - Me? I think you had a dream, I was sober as a whistle - So why you knelt in front of the shower and asked - darling do not cry, please! | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | Lol | ||
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| Wombat |
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| Furry One Registered Member #12 Joined: Tue Feb 26 2008, 06:37pmPosts: 1990 | I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." (Typical woman). I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either… (Typical new age guy). | ||
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